In the Tangle

Life is crazy at our house right now. Steve’s getting ready to go backcountry skiing in British Columbia for 10 days, and P. is in her third week of a hitting craze—by far the longest one she’s had since M. was born seven months ago. It seems she’s smacking, jabbing, scratching, or pinching her baby sister every chance she gets. We’re on the defensive, unable to sit still for more than a few seconds, trying to anticipate the unpredictable, block her blows, and maintain some semblance of normalcy. But what’s normal when your terrible two-and-half-year old has turned into a snarling little wolverine? 

I’m the younger sister, so P’s aggression—however “developmentally normal” it might be—hits a nerve like a clumsy dentist with a drill. In my effort to protect tiny, unfailingly cheerful M., I lose my cool more often than I should. If P is hitting to get our attention, then I’m playing right into her game. 

parenthood: just trying to go with the flow

We’ve tried time-outs and apologies, distraction and one-on-one time and positive reinforcement for her good behavior. But it all feels a bit desperate and scattershot. We don’t have a strategy or a system. So I’ve been inhaling books from the library, pawing through Zen self-help bibles on my shelf, and polling my friends for ideas. 

I’m cribbing to find the best advice, solutions, and words of wisdom. I know there’s no magic bullet—Zen teachers would say that I already have the answers inside of me; if so, you can come out now!—but I need to create a cheat sheet for discipline in our house, a personal philosophy that I can stick on the fridge to cool me down when the moment gets hot. 

Got anything to add to this list?

15 Mantras for Compassionate Discipline *

1. This too shall pass. 

2. Discipline is love. Discipline is teaching. 

3. Model the behavior you want. 

4. Stay calm and carry on. Use a calm voice and a clear response.

5. Trust your intuition: “You will always know what you need to know when you need to know it.” —Karen Maezen Miller

6. Praise more than you criticize. Ask for what you want, not want you don’t want. 

7. Talk. We can’t read each other’s minds or feelings. 

8. Accept each other without judgment. Don’t label. Children aren’t bad; their behavior is.

9. Let them know you believe in their inherent goodness and their ability to get control and act kindly. 

10. Help them feel capable and proud. 

11. Model empathy: “It’s awfully difficult sometimes not to get what you want/to make decisions/it feels terrible to get so upset”. We are all human and make mistakes. 

12. Time outs lose impact if used too often. Try a mommy quiet chair instead; tell them you're so upset, you need to catch your breath and think about what to do.

13. Look at what’s motivating misbehavior: hungry, tired, sick, frustrated?

14. Discipline --- self discipline. 

15. Compassionate limits -- self-control

(With thanks to the indispensable Discipline: The Brazelton Way and Momma Zen for some of the smarts above.)