How can a morning that holds such promise go so wrong Katie? The sun was shining in, birds were chirping, promise of more snow melt forth coming. Yet the darkness of last night crept in. I had gotten no sleep until 6:30 am this morning and I have yet to have this baby, it was my third baby, K., that was sick and was awake all night long! With Peter out of town, I was solo sick parenting it, and I hit my max. To awake at 7:30 instead of 7, when F. needs to be at school at 8:10 held dread! And the kicker of it all my kids were whiney and tired and lagging like me. So instead of going to a Zen attitude about it I went to frustration, fear, and the ultimate Mother Tantrum. I yelled and hurried my chicks from the bathroom to the kitchen to the front door, all the while hating my approach and their reactions to it. To the point where I finally broke and sat down on the stairs and cried after throwing a boot that I could not get on my foot. Yep, it's official there is still a five year old child in me. Maybe that is too generous maybe she is only 2. But wow she came out, and my boys looked on in horror.
Then they did the most compassionate thing and offered me hugs and consoling. Talk about Zen response. What a role reversal as I offered them apologies and this is how not to handle your frustration explanations. But wow was I weepy after that.
And then Katie to receive your email about your dad and the final details of his estate and his death and the finality of it all, oh how my heart aches for you too. You’re living something so much bigger than the smallness of my morning. I wish I were there to drive down and then up those earthen red roads, pick you up for a cleansing hike, and hit Yoberri post trail to soften and quench our palettes. So thank you for diving into the dark moment of my morning with me when you held so much more, and for the Brazelton parenting tip: "To confide to the boys when you are upset with them, or the situation: I'm so upset (with you/with this situation) that I need to take a quiet minute and calm myself down and figure out what to do.). This will get their attention and model problem solving and self-discipline." Such sane wisdom--so practical!
As I enter into the early afternoon with my boys I let this morning go resolved for a fresh beginning, and forgive myself for my mother tantrum. Motherhood when unchecked can create such a messy mind. I recommit to breathing and cleansing my morning mind of the trauma, the disappointment, the tiredness, and set my intentions on loftier goals of love and compassion for myself, my children, and my dear friend like you whose heart is ruffled rightly so.
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